by Nile Fortner
Now when I first saw the trailer to Kevin Smith’s (Clerks, Dogma) Yoga Hosers I was a little surprised. Now for those who have not seen the trailer for this film, and are asking yourself “What the Hell are some Yoga Hosers?” The trailer focuses on the two Canadian girls from Smith’s last film, Tusk, who work at a convenience store, and encounter Nazi sausages. Seriously. When I saw the trailer, my immediate instinct reaction was “What the fuck?” It wasn’t that what the fuck with anger, it wasn’t what the fuck with confusion, it really was just a simple what the fuck.
Now I love Kevin Smith films. He always seemed like a cool person, he is well spoken, writes scripts with compelling characters and story, and he seems like the kind of guy you could easily talk with. His last film Tusk, in my opinion was his worst film. The films plot was there and it sounded great. What I personally didn’t enjoy was the pace of the film and the characters. At least that film had a story wrapped around in it. Most people, including myself love the art form of filmmaking and movies for two main reasons. That being a story the audience can connect to and characters and audience can connect to. In my opinion, Yoga Hosers has very little story, with characters an audience cannot connect to, it isn’t that funny, it’s annoying, and I personally didn’t get it.
I do not know if Kevin Smith made this film to mess with critics, the media, and fans. Or is he just this bad of a filmmaker now? Sadly, out there in the world there really is an individual who has a film script. A film script with story, compelling characters, a story that is a breath of fresh air, and a script that is really written with heart. Unfortunately, we may never have a chance to see it, because Kevin Smith had to bring us fucking Yoga Hosers. If you are that person with the script, do not see this film. You will take that script, burn it to ash, and ask yourself “Why do I even try? I actually have a story! A story I have been working on for years! Yet once former amazing filmmaker Kevin Smith gets to make a full-length feature, with a budget, gets to help the career for his daughter, and gets one of the highest paid, most popular actors in the world to be in his movie!” I’m starting to think maybe talent is secondary. Maybe it really is all about networking, luck, and getting your name out there.
Sorry Ah-Boot That
I don’t know where to start with this film. For God’s sake, there is even a Marvel cameo of Stan Lee in this! I didn’t go into this movie thinking it was terrible. I saw it on Netflix, went in with a clear unbiased mind, and 80 minutes later I’m shocked. The one good part of this movie is Harley Quinn Smith and Lily-Rose Depp. Those two actually to capture the spirit of Clerks in a way. I found them to be a little funny. But the rest of it is just bad acting and really bad Canadian jokes. They run the same joke into the ground over and over and over and over again. I didn’t know it was possible to offend and be prejudice towards Canadians. After seeing this movie, well Goddamn it is possible if you’re Kevin Smith. We fucking get it, Canadians say EH (A) ever so often. When they say about, sometimes it sounds like they are saying Ah-boot. At first it is a chuckle. After that, it is just sad; the whole movie is Eh and Ah-boot! What did Canadians ever do to you?!
That damn title card pops up every ten minutes when they introduce a character is bad! It looks like a want to be Scott Pilgrim and Suicide Squad. Also, the movie has some silly puns. Justin Long is only here for a Yogi Bear reference! Because all kids nowadays, want a Yogi Bear reference in 2016! Johnny Depp is in this, as the detective from Tusk. One word, why? The cast is talented, but the story and they way it’s written is completely ridiculous. Pucky Charms cereal ever ten minutes in your face, terrible Canadian slang jokes, looks like a 1990s video game in 2016, and this is the director of Clerks, Dogma, and Chasing Amy. There is no way in Hell this movie was made seriously, it is clearly a joke. A joke I personally do not find funny, and if it is not a joke then Mr. Smith maybe I should leave your ass behind. There are short films on YouTube, that are better than this.
This film is worse than Tusk. If you enjoyed it, I am more than glad you did. Maybe I just don’t get the joke. Kevin Smith’s down dude since day one is in this, Mr. Jason Mewes! And even he is in this for two minutes, with the look on his face like yeah I don’t need this right now. Really it is a shame, it’s a mess, and I will always like and respect Kevin Smith. But recently his work, his legacy, his films have gone so far down the shitter I don’t think he can cleanly come back up. The cast is good, but this movie has so many flaws. It is not the worst film I have seen, but it is the worst Kevin Smith film I’ve seen. Sorry Ah-boot that, yeah you should be sorry for this shit you call a movie! I never thought in a million years, that the iconic Kevin Smith would announce Clerks 3 and a sequel spinoff whatever the fuck to Mallrats to the world, and I a huge Kevin Smith fan would completely not give a fuck! I pray Clerks 3 does not happen. Clerks 2 already ended so beautifully. He said he is working on a sequel to Mallrats called Mallbrats I personally don’t want to see it. Moose Jaws is his next film? Wow. I believe this “movie” earns a…
2 out of 5 Hairpieces